Karin
October 17th, 2003, 02:20 PM
I have not been reading the BASE forums because I feel weak, vulnerable and so terribly sad, and have felt that I wouldn't be able to bear hearing negative things about the person that I love and whose loss has left a hole the size of the Grand Canyon in my heart and life. People have been doing an admirable job of "protecting" and shielding me from the drama that has evidently been circulating on these forums. Unfortunately, I was apprised of some subject matter just yesterday, by Dwain's uncle, who was enraged and wanted to give me his .02 about certain issues and people.
I'm not interested in being sucked into the drama any more that I already inadvertently have been, but I felt that I had to say a few simple words in the interest of trying to speak up for a beautiful person that can no longer speak for himself. I'm also not interested in defaming or decrying specific people for their own opinions that have been forged through grief, pain and remorse. Everyone deals with loss in their own way and we each have our own process of attempting to find some solace and substance at a time when things seem puzzling and muddled.
Dwain and I have been together for close to 3.5 years. We talked everyday. For hours. Everyone thinks that Dwain was so quiet, but man, could he TALK. We've traveled the world and shared so many incredible things together - love, pain, loss, death, evolution, rebirth, renewal, HOPE. We shared a beautiful life together in Southern California, a place that when we first met, he'd told me that he'd always dreamed of living, because of the surf and the weather. The past year living in SoCal, Dwain surfed every day. He finally landed his "dream job" with a great company, working in aerospace/defense, something that he'd always wanted. He has been enrolled in night classes for the past 2 semesters, earning the top marks in his classes, attempting to "stay one step ahead of the game" with regard to technology. He just started his fencing and silly aerobic kick-boxing classes (he'd just die if anyone knew THAT for heaven's sake). His new Javelin skydiving container arrived the day before he left for Colorado. He just ordered a new FLIK that he was so excited about, a damn 220, which he swore that we both could jump, a peace offering after feeling guilty about selling the 265 VTEC I gave him last year as a "please be safe" present. Up until the day he died, Dwain was growing, planning and creating, continually bristling with new ideas and concepts about jumping, surfing, climbing, relationships, and even work-related things.
All that I can offer in the way of perhaps trying to stand up for him and his character is to reveal something that he always used to say to me (in addition to his mantra of "no ethics, no morals, no conscience, no guilt", which he insisted that everyone repeat to themselves in the mirror each morning): "I am a fundamentally happy person." The last time he said this to me was about a week before his death.
I do not wish to get into a pissing match of who believes that they 'knew Dwain best, above & beyond anyone else' because people believe and construe personal interaction, however lengthy or brief, based on their own life experiences and personalities. All I can say is that there are many people out here who genuinely knew and cared deeply for Dwain as a person, not only as a BASE-jumper (and let's face it, 98% of most of our lives are not occupied by jumping), and so many things that have been said are false and downright hurtful. Most of those closest to Dwain are silent, preferring not to dignify certain topics with responses and the non-silent ones simply cannot contain their anger at having his name & memory distorted.
I personally don't feel that I need to 'prove' or defend the love that Dwain and I shared. The people who were closest to us, those that shared time and tempo with us on many occasions throughout the years, who've been there during our ups & downs, know. And at the end of the day, as everyone keeps reminding me, this is the only important factor.
My primary objective in writing these words is to stand up for Dwain's character, strength of mind, clarity of purpose, purity of heart. Parachuting has given so much to Dwain in the past 10 years and he in turn had also done his absolute best to give back to the sport in whatever unique ways he could, contributing knowledge, ideas and his own heartfelt passion for pushing the limits of what's possible. He would have never intentionally done anything to spit in the face of the sport of parachuting or of the incredible organizers of the Royal Gorge event. This I can say with confidence. The last VM message I received from Dwain the night before his death was upbeat, joking and loving. He was having fun and "trying to be safe for you baby". Dwain always made his own decisions and was in fact a downright stubborn goat when it came to things that he really felt he wanted or somehow needed to do. Nothing anyone would say or do could ever change that - he was his own person and he always believed in personal responsibility for his actions and their subsequent consequences. Anyone that doesn't know or understand that about Dwain, didn't really know him.
People warned and advised me not to post any messages, saying that doing so would be volleying back with the tigers. I'm aware that these words will probably open a Pandora's Box of accusations and attacks on me, why, I don't fully understand, but I felt that I had to stand up for Dwain, because he would have done the same for me in a second if the situation were reversed... "Slay any dragon for you..."
I harbor no hate, blame or bitterness for those whose opinions are very different from mine. Loss affects us all and ultimately, we will each come out with our own form of peace.
Be safe out there and be kind to each other.
I'm not interested in being sucked into the drama any more that I already inadvertently have been, but I felt that I had to say a few simple words in the interest of trying to speak up for a beautiful person that can no longer speak for himself. I'm also not interested in defaming or decrying specific people for their own opinions that have been forged through grief, pain and remorse. Everyone deals with loss in their own way and we each have our own process of attempting to find some solace and substance at a time when things seem puzzling and muddled.
Dwain and I have been together for close to 3.5 years. We talked everyday. For hours. Everyone thinks that Dwain was so quiet, but man, could he TALK. We've traveled the world and shared so many incredible things together - love, pain, loss, death, evolution, rebirth, renewal, HOPE. We shared a beautiful life together in Southern California, a place that when we first met, he'd told me that he'd always dreamed of living, because of the surf and the weather. The past year living in SoCal, Dwain surfed every day. He finally landed his "dream job" with a great company, working in aerospace/defense, something that he'd always wanted. He has been enrolled in night classes for the past 2 semesters, earning the top marks in his classes, attempting to "stay one step ahead of the game" with regard to technology. He just started his fencing and silly aerobic kick-boxing classes (he'd just die if anyone knew THAT for heaven's sake). His new Javelin skydiving container arrived the day before he left for Colorado. He just ordered a new FLIK that he was so excited about, a damn 220, which he swore that we both could jump, a peace offering after feeling guilty about selling the 265 VTEC I gave him last year as a "please be safe" present. Up until the day he died, Dwain was growing, planning and creating, continually bristling with new ideas and concepts about jumping, surfing, climbing, relationships, and even work-related things.
All that I can offer in the way of perhaps trying to stand up for him and his character is to reveal something that he always used to say to me (in addition to his mantra of "no ethics, no morals, no conscience, no guilt", which he insisted that everyone repeat to themselves in the mirror each morning): "I am a fundamentally happy person." The last time he said this to me was about a week before his death.
I do not wish to get into a pissing match of who believes that they 'knew Dwain best, above & beyond anyone else' because people believe and construe personal interaction, however lengthy or brief, based on their own life experiences and personalities. All I can say is that there are many people out here who genuinely knew and cared deeply for Dwain as a person, not only as a BASE-jumper (and let's face it, 98% of most of our lives are not occupied by jumping), and so many things that have been said are false and downright hurtful. Most of those closest to Dwain are silent, preferring not to dignify certain topics with responses and the non-silent ones simply cannot contain their anger at having his name & memory distorted.
I personally don't feel that I need to 'prove' or defend the love that Dwain and I shared. The people who were closest to us, those that shared time and tempo with us on many occasions throughout the years, who've been there during our ups & downs, know. And at the end of the day, as everyone keeps reminding me, this is the only important factor.
My primary objective in writing these words is to stand up for Dwain's character, strength of mind, clarity of purpose, purity of heart. Parachuting has given so much to Dwain in the past 10 years and he in turn had also done his absolute best to give back to the sport in whatever unique ways he could, contributing knowledge, ideas and his own heartfelt passion for pushing the limits of what's possible. He would have never intentionally done anything to spit in the face of the sport of parachuting or of the incredible organizers of the Royal Gorge event. This I can say with confidence. The last VM message I received from Dwain the night before his death was upbeat, joking and loving. He was having fun and "trying to be safe for you baby". Dwain always made his own decisions and was in fact a downright stubborn goat when it came to things that he really felt he wanted or somehow needed to do. Nothing anyone would say or do could ever change that - he was his own person and he always believed in personal responsibility for his actions and their subsequent consequences. Anyone that doesn't know or understand that about Dwain, didn't really know him.
People warned and advised me not to post any messages, saying that doing so would be volleying back with the tigers. I'm aware that these words will probably open a Pandora's Box of accusations and attacks on me, why, I don't fully understand, but I felt that I had to stand up for Dwain, because he would have done the same for me in a second if the situation were reversed... "Slay any dragon for you..."
I harbor no hate, blame or bitterness for those whose opinions are very different from mine. Loss affects us all and ultimately, we will each come out with our own form of peace.
Be safe out there and be kind to each other.